Untold – Part 2

We were asked a few times if Maliyah had acess to several different meds while still in Chillicothe, one being adhd meds and then the question of methamphetamine came up and we were asked if she had access to it or if we were using it. I immediately felt like white trash and a pile of shit. Like HELL NO is what I wanted to say,  but being I know my mom’s history I didn’t answer. I looked at my husband with a look, like HELP ME! He just answered no because we hated to assume the possibility and know how much my mom loves Maliyah and how she would never intentionally harm her. Wasn’t really even a question in our minds. So still I am kind of pushing that possibility to the side or my heart is wanting me to push the possibility to the side, maybe what I want to say. But, my inner voice keeps telling me better. 

They tested her in Chillicothe, but never told us they got resluts or what they found before we left. All they stated was that she was being life flighted to Children’s Mercy. Which was all in it’s self one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

As they are strapping her into her carseat on the stretcher, we still have no idea what so ever that one of us will not be riding with her. So when it got down to it and we figure out that we can not go with her I instantly felt my heart drop to the floor. I felt so helpless and scared and wanted to burst into tears. I had held them back this whole time on account of Maliyah. I couldn’t let her see my fear or my pain because if I wasn’t strong and calm, how the hell would she be?? We say our “goodbyes” and “I love yous”, and our “we got yous” and every other encouraging and uplifting thing we were thinking.  But, all I could think about is how scared my baby was. All I could think about was how she would be alone the next few hours.

The instant we were out of her sight and headed to the car and that’s when I lost it. The tears came rushing like a waterfall, uncontrollably  pouring down my face. That’s when my heart starting raising with different scenarios and possibilities. I was speechless. I was scared. I was thinking no! Why? Who? Did she? How? She would not have that laying around, RIGHT? She wouldn’t! NO! My mom would NEVER! Maliyah gives her true happiness that of the kind she can not find with anything else. Maliyah is the one thing she gets excited about and lives for. Please God tell me no! These are the thoughts that were going through my head 90 miles an hour, and then the thought what if my daughter actually does have amphetamine in her system? What if they take my baby away from me? Why do I so easily get manipulated my mom? Who constantly tries convincing me to believe she is clean when in my heart I know better. I began to take deep breaths as my heart felt like it could pound right out of my chest. I just continue to breathe to try and hold back what felt like an anxiety attack coming on. I eventually calm myself down. I know I have to get myself together. I have to clear my mind for my baby girl and get a plan of action underway.

As we are heading back home Mike suggets my mom, who is following us, and I head onto Children’s Mercy while they go to the house to check on the other kids and get us some personal items, etc. 

We also knew if she did in anyway have amphetamine in her system it was from being with my mom. So with that being said, that bitch was going with us to the hospital. That bitch was going to make damn fucking sure my kids were not taken away for her bad decisions. I have suffered because of those decisions for the last 25 years, but when my child’s life and my rights to my child are involved, love or no love, that is when and where the line is drawn. So ANYONE and EVERYONE with that fucking question in your heads,  “Why would she let her go to her house?” or “Is she stupid?” Well honesty what I want to tell you close minded mother fuckers is, “Fuck off.” But, instead I will be nice and elaborate and then if your perfect self righteous ass still can’t open your mind, your mind doesn’t matter to me. I am not writing this just to make ones think I am innocent or to prove someome else is to blame. Not at all! I am writing this for one’s to see how meth has destroyed my life. How it can destroy not inly the users life but, all those around. How I didn’t chose for this and how I also believe this is not what choice my mom wanted either.  I believe she is that lost and that depressed that the demon has a hold. {{He tricks her mind. He convinces her of needing him and that is not where it stops.  She is under such a great control that she doesn’t think meth is in control.  Her mind is corrupted and I know that kond hearted amazing person is hiding on there behind the demon. I know she just wants happiness and a normal life. But, I also know the fucked up system does nothing to actually help her get the help she truly needs. She needs true mental help. Her past haunts her and she has never found closure, but that would be a whole book for me to explain. Long story short my mom is not a bad person. My mom has a mental disease and my mom has fought a battle with it and meth for the last 25 years and everytime meth wins. But, what so many don’t see when hearing stories about addicts is their families who too are suffering. Often suffering the most. 

So we pull over and I get in with my mom. I automatically start asking her questions I had going through my head. Her first words in response to me was, “ARE you blaming this on me? Seriously? It’s always all me,” she says. I know she doesn’t want it to be her, but I can also tell by her actions and her fear that maybe there is a possibility that she is not FOR SURE  if Maliyah got into something or not while at her house. Maybe it was the meth she was obviously on or maybe it was just her constant paranoia, but something was off. Either or the discussion to take me to the hosipal did a quick turn around! First it was her car, next it was needing to check on her dogs and the ridiculous excuses kept coming on. 

Finally I said, “None of that fucking shit matters, NONE OF IT. ALL THAT MATTERS IS SOMEONE GETS TO MY DAUGHTER ASAP. ALL THAT MATTERS IS my daughter has someome she fucking knows at her side as quick as fucking possible!” I was livid to say the least. 

So that is when I said fuck this and her crazy excuses. I said, “I will have Mike go to hospital and we will go back home and then drive there.”

Next stop Children’s Mercy to wrap my arms around my baby girl.

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