This is just one of many moments in my life I have been more embarrased, heart broken, emotional etc, etc. I want to protect those who may not deserve to be protected, I want to hide the truth that has haunted me my whole life. I want to stop being maniulated but, continue to let myself be. I am lost and confused and want to talk to someone, but have no where to turn. As always I just want peace and happiness and put my own to the back burner. Until this afternoon when I broke down for the millonith time in the last 2 days and my husband woke me up or so I hope. His exact words were, “How long are you going to keep this up and let others who can not take responsibility for their actions or mistakes keep making you unhappy while you get manipulated and made to believe you are to blame for their problems. Wake up Mandy. When will you decide to be happy and stop worrying what other people think of her and meanwhile covering her ass as you have your whole life?” It’s hard. So hard. I would rather be the one people talk bad about than others thinking she is bad. She isn’t bad. She is one of the most kindhearted people, but the demon inside, that is another story. And that demon, he is very tricky and never announces his entry.
After Mike’s (my husband) words, I knew I needed to write. I had to write. I knew I needed to just lay it all out on the table and clear my mind. So here we are! The hard part is yet to come. That being sharing my story. Letting people in the inside of my crazy world that I have tried to change for so long!
What has yet to this day been one of the scariest & most heartbreaking moments of my entire life, I am living as we speak. Sitting here in this hospital room watching my daughter as she is hooked to all of these wires and tubes, all I can do is thank God that she is still with us and that we recognized something as quick as we did! That the one person who can bring a smile to my face with her innocence and love at any given moment is still alove and breathing!!
It all began, Wednesday night. After a normal day of work and Maliyah, who is our 4th child, our biggest surprise ever, our sunshine, (The child I didn’t know how I was going to raise or how I could take on with what seemed to be an already full life, the child when I found out I was pregnant with went into a major depression and state of panic, the child who was than actually the missing piece that filled my heart and made me feel a love I never knew was missing or even existed!) began acting different and not herself. She was constantly shaking her leg and reassuring herself it would be ok. It kind if reminded me of myself having an anxiety attack. But, being I hadn’t been around her several parts throughout the day my first thought was what had happened prior to her acting this way and why she could be upset. We had just left Dollar General after picking her up from my mother’s and she had gotten away from me as I was at the checkout & took her package of diapers and booked her tiny butt through the aisles. Being I was up to pay and there was a growing line of customers at the register I yelled out to Mike to come in and get her. It took us several minutes to find her sneaky little butt (Did I mention, this child, yes my last and 4th child, the one I will be 80 chasing through the streets, is the one who is going to pay me back for all the things I did when I was younger!! She ALWAYS has us on our toes and I mean ALWAYS.) Anyways I told the cashier to just cancel my purchase and I would come back and pay after I grabbed Maliyah and something else I had forgotten and I went to help Mike, who was upset she got away from me, block her off as she was running through the aisles. Which now that I am thinking is not so much her either. Yes she will run from me and maybe go to toy aisle but, this kid was booking it in and out of the aisles and another customer ended up helping us corral her. When a simple, bye Maliyah in the past would have worked!
Dad and I at this time are upset with one another. He is mad I let go of her, but that I never expected, and I am mad he didnt catch her faster, and just upset he is so mad at me. Never had she ever been like that. Arguing and upset at each other, I told him Maliyah and I would sleep on the couch after we showered, etc. Well after much debating with Maliyah who was screaming not to shower and wanting to just lay down, I finally decided to just give in and lay beside her.
As I went to lay down by her her leg keep going up and down and she wouldn’t not sit still. I asked her what was wrong and my first thought was she was having a seizure or had gotten into poison or my Grandpa’s earlier that day, but being it had been almost 9 hours that seemed also questionable. But, after the earlier scare, my Grandpa taking her home and falling asleep to waking up and not being able to find her and calling ke asking if I had her, made that a question in my mind, as she would kept saying, “me be ok.” Which then turned into, me better mommy,” as I asked what was wrong and when she spoke her face wasnt her. Her eyes were going back in her head and she seemed scared, but as though she didn’t want me worried. (Did I also tell u how smart this girl is for 2?? She is pretty smart!!)
My oldest son, Mikey, said she has ADHD as he is Googling her symptoms. To then saying maybe she is having seizure. My husband came into room and also very concerned. Soon all 5 of us, my 3 other kids, my husband and myself are standing above her concerned & worried. So I contact my good friend, Laci, who’s son I knew has had seizures. She didn’t know she basically told me if I questioned her actions and was that concerned don’t keep wondering go to the ER. Obviously BEST decision of my life.
Still on the way to the hospital NEVER was what I was soon to find out, EVER even a thought or question of what could have happened!!
Maliyah was squeezing my neck and telling me how much she loved me and how she was sick the whole 30 min, but what seemed to be eternity, drive to Chillicothe, the closet hospital near us. I was doing my best to stay strong for my daughter and ensure her she would ok and I kept her looking at me and speaking and kept reminding her to take deep breaths when she told me her chest hurt and wanted me to rub it. The whole way we trying to put scenarios or thoughts together and firgure out what could be going on. Little did I know only hours later would my sunshine be getting life flighted and be out of my sight for the longest few hours of my entire life!!