Untold – Part 2

We were asked a few times if Maliyah had acess to several different meds while still in Chillicothe, one being adhd meds and then the question of methamphetamine came up and we were asked if she had access to it or if we were using it. I immediately felt like white trash and a pile of shit. Like HELL NO is what I wanted to say,  but being I know my mom’s history I didn’t answer. I looked at my husband with a look, like HELP ME! He just answered no because we hated to assume the possibility and know how much my mom loves Maliyah and how she would never intentionally harm her. Wasn’t really even a question in out minds. So still I am kind of pushing that possibility to the side or my heart is wanting me to push the possibility to the side, maybe what u want to say. But, my mind is telling me better. 

They tested her in Chillicothe, but never told us they got resluts or what they found before we left. All they stated was that she was being life flighted to Children’s Mercy. Which was all in it’s self one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

As they are strapping her into her carseat on the stretcher, we still have no idea what so ever that one of us will not be riding with her. So when it got down to it and we figure out that we can not go with her I instantly felt my heart drop to the floor. I felt so helpless and scared and wanted to burst into tears. I had held them back this whole time on account of Maliyah. I couldn’t let her see my fear or my pain because if I wasn’t strong and calm, how the hell could she be?? We say our “goodbyes” and “I love yous”, and our “we got yous” and every other encouraging and uplifting thing we were thinking.  All I could think about is how scaredmy baby was. All I could think about was how 

The instant we were out of her sight and headed to the car I lostit. The tears came rushing like a waterfall, uncontrollable pouring down my face.That’s when my heart starting raising with different scenarios and possibilities. I was speechless. I was scared. I am thinking no! Why? Who? Did she? How? She would not have that laying around, RIGHT? She wouldn’t! NO! My mom would NEVER! Maliyah gives her true happiness that of the kind she can not find with anything else. Maliyah is the one thing she gets excited about and lives for. Please God tell me no! These are the thoughts that were going through my head 90 miles an hour, and then the thought what if my daughter actually does have amphetamine in her system? What if they take my baby from me? Why do I so easily get manipulated my mom? Who constantly tries convincing me to believe she is clean when in my heart I know better. I began to take deep breaths as my heart feels like it could pound out of my chest. I just continue to breath to try and hold back what felt like an anxiety attack coming on. I calm eventually calm myself down. I know I have to get myself together. I have to clear my mind for my baby girl and get a plan of action underway.

As we are heading back home Mike suggets my mom, who is following us because she had came to the ER in Chillicothe the second she knew we were in way there, and I head to Children’s Mercy while Mikey and him go to the house and check on the other kids and get us some personal items, etc. We also knew if she did in anyway have amphetamine in her system it was from beimg with my mom. So with that being said, that bitch was going with us to the hospital. That bitch was going to make damn fucking sure my kids were not taken away for her bad decisions. I have suffered because of them for the last 25 years, but when my child’s life and my rights to my child are involved, love or no love, that is when and where the line is drawn. So ANYONE and EVERYONE with that fucking question in your heads,  “Why would she let her go to her house?” or “Is she stupid?” Well honesty what I want to tell you close minded mother fuckers is, “Fuck off.” But, instead I will be nice and elaborate and then if your perfect self righteous ass still can’t open your mind, your mind doesn’t matter to me. I am writing this just to make ones think I am innocent or to prove someome else is to blame. I am writing this for one’s to ontinue to see how meth has destroyed my life. How I didn’t chose for this and how I also believe this is not what choice my mom wanted either.  I believe she is that lost and that depressed that the demon has a hold. {{He tricks her mind. He convinces her of needing him and that is not where it stops.  She is under such a great control that she doesn’t think meth is in control.  Her mind is corrupted and I know that kond hearted amazing person is hiding on there behind the demon. I know she just wants happiness and a normal life. But, I also know the fucked up system does nothing to actually help her get the help she truly needs. She needs true mental help. Her past haunts her and she has never found closure, but that would be a whole book for me to explain. Long story short my mom is not a bad person. My mom has a mental disease and my mom has fought a battle with it and meth for the last 25 years and everytime meth wins. But, what so many don’t see when hearing stories about addicts is their families who too are suffering. Often suffering the most.}}

So we pull over and I get in with my mom. I automatically start asking her questions I had going through my head. Her first words in response to me was, “ARE you blaming this on me? Seriously? It’s alwats all me,” she says. I know she doesn’t want it to be her, but I can also tell by her actions and her fear that maybe there is a possibility that she is not sure or not if Maliyah go into something or not. Maybe it was the drugs she was under the influence of or maybe it was just her constant paranoia. Either or the discussion to take me to the hosipal did a quick turn around! First it waa her car next it was needing to check on her dogs. The ridiculous excuses kept coming on. 

Finally I said, “None of that fucking shit matters, NONE OF IT. ALL THAT MATTERS IS SOMEONE GETS TO MY DAUGHTER ASAP. ALL THAT MATTERS IS my daughter has someome she fucking knows at her side as quick as fucking possible!” I was livid to say the least. 

So that is when I said fuck this and her crazy excuses. I said, “I will have Mike go to hospital and we will go back home and then drive there.”

Next stop Children’s Mercy to wrap my arms around my baby girl.

My Untold Story Never Ends – Part 1

This is just one of many moments in my life I have been more embarrased, heart broken, emotional etc, etc. I want to protect those who may not deserve to be protected, I want to hide the truth that has haunted me my whole life. I want to stop being maniulated but, continue to let myself be. I am lost and confused and want to talk to someone, but have no where to turn.  As always I just want peace and happiness and put my own to the back burner. Until this afternoon when I broke down for the millonith time in the last 2 days and my husband woke me up or so I hope. His exact words were, “How long are you going to keep this up and let others who can not take responsibility for their actions or mistakes keep making you unhappy while you get manipulated and made to believe you are to blame for their problems.  Wake up Mandy. When will you decide to be happy and stop worrying what other people think of her and meanwhile covering her ass as you have your whole life?” It’s hard. So hard. I would rather be the one people talk bad about than others thinking she is bad. She isn’t bad. She is one of the most kindhearted people, but the demon inside, that is another story. And that demon, he is very tricky and never announces his entry. 

After Mike’s (my husband) words, I knew I needed to write. I had to write. I knew I needed to just lay it all out on the table and clear my mind. So here we are! The hard part is yet to come. That being sharing my story.  Letting people in the inside of my crazy world that I have tried to change for so long!

What has yet to this day been one of the scariest & most heartbreaking moments of my entire life, I am living as we speak. Sitting here in this hospital room watching my daughter as she is hooked to all of these wires and tubes, all I can do is thank God that she is still with us and that we recognized something as quick as we did! That the one person who can bring a smile to my face with her innocence and love at any given moment is still alove and breathing!!

It all began, Wednesday night. After a normal day of work and Maliyah, who is our 4th child, our biggest surprise ever, our sunshine, (The child I didn’t know how I was going to raise or how I could take on with what seemed to be an already full life, the child when I found out I was pregnant with went into a major depression and state of panic, the child who was than actually the missing piece that filled my heart and made me feel a love I never knew was missing or even existed!) began acting different and not herself. She was constantly shaking her leg and reassuring herself it would be ok. It kind if reminded me of myself having an anxiety attack. But, being I hadn’t been around her several parts throughout the day my first thought was what had happened prior to her acting this way and why she could be upset. We had just left Dollar General after picking her up from my mother’s and she had gotten away from me as I was at the checkout & took her package of diapers and booked her tiny butt through the aisles. Being I was up to pay and there was a growing line of customers at the register I yelled out to Mike to come in and get her. It took us several minutes to find her sneaky little butt (Did I mention, this child, yes my last and 4th child, the one I will be 80 chasing through the streets, is the one who is going to pay me back for all the things I did when I was younger!! She ALWAYS has us on our toes and I mean ALWAYS.) Anyways I told the cashier to just cancel my purchase and I would come back and pay after I grabbed Maliyah and something else I had forgotten and I went to help Mike, who was upset she got away from me, block her off as she was running through the aisles. Which now that I am thinking is not so much her either.  Yes she will run from me and maybe go to toy aisle but, this kid was booking it in and out of the aisles and another customer ended up helping us corral her. When a simple, bye Maliyah in the past would have worked!

Dad and I at this time are upset with one another. He is mad I let go of her, but that I never expected,  and I am mad he didnt catch her faster, and just upset he is so mad at me. Never had she ever been like that. Arguing and upset at each other, I told him Maliyah and I would sleep on the couch after we showered, etc. Well after much debating with Maliyah who was screaming not to shower and wanting to just lay down, I finally decided to just give in and lay beside her. 

As I went to lay down by her her leg keep going up and down and she wouldn’t not sit still. I asked her what was wrong and my first thought was she was having a seizure or had gotten into poison or my Grandpa’s earlier that day, but being it had been almost 9 hours that seemed also questionable. But, after the earlier scare, my Grandpa taking her home and falling asleep to waking up and not being able to find her and calling ke asking if I had her, made that a question in my mind, as she would kept saying, “me be ok.” Which then turned into, me better mommy,” as I asked what was wrong and when she spoke her face wasnt her. Her eyes were going back in her head and she seemed scared, but as though she didn’t want me worried. (Did I also tell u how smart this girl is for 2?? She is pretty smart!!)

My oldest son, Mikey, said she has ADHD as he is Googling her symptoms. To then saying maybe she is having seizure. My husband came into room and also very concerned. Soon all 5 of us, my 3 other kids, my husband and myself are standing above her concerned & worried. So I contact my good friend, Laci, who’s son I knew has had seizures. She didn’t know she basically told me if I questioned her actions and was that concerned don’t keep wondering go to the ER. Obviously BEST decision of my life.

Still on the way to the hospital NEVER was what I was soon to find out, EVER even a thought or question of what could have happened!!

Maliyah was squeezing my neck and telling me how much she loved me and how she was sick the whole 30 min, but what seemed to be eternity, drive to Chillicothe, the closet hospital near us. I was doing my best to stay strong for my daughter and ensure her she would ok and I kept her looking at me and speaking and kept reminding her to take deep breaths when she told me her chest hurt and wanted me to rub it. The whole way we trying to put scenarios or thoughts together and firgure out what could be going on. Little did I know only hours later would my sunshine be getting life flighted and be out of my sight for the longest few hours of my entire life!!

Trying Not To Raise Assholes In This Corrupt Place

Not all children are blessed with the needed ingredients, right tools & guidence to ever at any age transfer into an adult and those who do will always be a child even while also being a parent

child noun A young human being below the age of puberty or below the legal age of majority.

parent noun A father or mother.

adult noun A person who is fully grown or developed .


yymy confession 

 When becoming a parent I didn'<[t receive step by step directions on 76 job or how to manual and even if someone made one its not going to work on every model (each individual). 

Because parenting doesn’t have one correct way or wrong way and no one has all the answers. We all have to just take a swing at what we think is the best way and hope we make a hit that brings us a home run, but never is it always that easy. Sometimes no matter how we hit the struggle to make it home is harder for some than others. Sometimes we will strike out but, it doesn’t mean we are out unless we just.give.up! Doesn’t mean we won’t get a hit if we try again!! There is obviously no way of ever knowing if we as parents are making the best decisions nor is every child the same, so what worked with the oldest may come in as a curveball with the youngest. So we always have to have our eyes on the ball. Our goals laid out on the table and no matter how many times we are striked out, come back with more knowledge and more skill until you knock it out of the park. Teaching our kids they can do anything and always be better with hardwork and commitment isn’t words that can be spoken to someone and with the expectations that will be enough and that they won’t fall or struggle and need a lift or on a full count when the all was given and the ball wasn’t always within reach we may “let them walk” but, not too often as they won’t want to challenge themselves to work harder and sliding into home would be unheard of if we always let them walk or always are capable of placing their reasons for missing the ball on someone else. With one never having to take accountability for their own actions one can never respect “the game.” With no respect for the game and strikes being over looked and bases being handed out without deserving them, than they have learned an easier way “to win” the game. One that is played by a disrespectful, self absorbed, no sportsmanship having spoiled brat.This will become a habit. Everything will be expected with no work or soul involved. They will become little life sucking vulchers. Expecting every little thing. Making them not only poor sports but, cheaters. How do make an all star, the question everyone asks, as if there is an answer that will be guaranteed. So I would tell people all we have is our best judgement, life experiences, knowledge from our parent’s as well as our past mistakes, and others lives who have been documented and shared in some form, to help inspire and educate others. Becoming a parent is not for everyone and if you don’t want the opportunity and have no intentions of even trying always remeber there are others who would love to have the opportunity. Children suffer because of ignorant parents. Children go without because they are more of a burden than a blessing. Children don’t ask to be born. They don’t ask for your love. They don’t expect much when they are born except food and love. A babies happiness lies within having a full tummy and the feeling of being loved and comforted. Interesting right. All the rest as they grow up, well blame it on society and ourselves. That that is unheard of or unknown does not exist in ones mind therefore what our kids want and expect comes from what we allow. Showering kids with material items thinking it will make up for lack of love and attention will create a monster or a hopeful child praying and begging for their parents guidence and support. As the path is unknown and full of distractions like hills, curves, bumps, and lots of pressure leading to the wrong choices that can often destroy lives.

Thus what makes parenting the hardest job you will ever endure. It will also be the most rewarding job you ever experienced. And like other jobs, well if you half ass it or skip small tasks along the way results may vary. Being a parent brings out parts of us we never knew existed. Helps us find that strength we didn’t even know existed and exausts us mentally and physically like no other job ever can. Being a parent invloves playing many roles. A psychologist, a taxi, a banker, a supporter, a fan, a cheer leader, a team mate, a teacher, a friend, a punisher, a maid, a cook, a role model and that is just to name a few when speaking of roles that are involved when being a parent. Exhausting to say the least. But, just a small part of what being a parent involves.


      Asshole of the Year Award Goes to No One Other Than Yours Truly….

      And I accept this award with open arms and a cast of embarrassment. Now having the knowledge that once lacked and through being an asshole was able to discover or at least found the right path I needed to be on! 

      The knowledge I obviously lacked for way too long. That knowledge being that my Alter Ego isn’t always right & even when I believed I had all of the facts of a situation and that that gave me rights to express my thoughts, even if I wasn’t there,  MOST likely there are pieces somewhere I am not aware of and would contradict my opinion had I known them.The knowledge that raising boys vs girls is two totally different universes and realities. Also proving another VERY important lesson, and that being, if teenage drama queens, (teen girls) are involved and the ones I obtained my information from, well most likely the scenario I have played out in my head is dramatized and drawn out of perspective and a total different reality than that of a boy who was a part of the exact scenario. The perspective that a boy or even an adult would have the exact situation may seem to be of a different reality, but thats where males and females are different. Also where we need to take a closer look sometimes and not just assume that the picture painted to us is the same picture everyone involved was viewing.

    • Knowledge is Power- With that knowledge, which I should have not gained by attacking or humiliating someone else’s reputation, I now realize. Along with a number of other things to help shield myself from future “Alter Ego take overs”. Being my daughters lack of self worth and mimd set that other people’s opinions define her I have too, many times gone above and beyond acceptable measures to protect her or in the last sitiation, protect others in similar situations from being taunted about their body they had no control over. Which to me is still important, but what I stated happened wasn’t as evil as it played in my head nor was it anywhere near what my perception led me to believe. Which is where my next lesson comes into play. Lesson being that my daughter, which I already knew, can over react and definitely takes things to heart and in ways ones didn’t intend. Being the defensive mom with the perception that my daughter is always singled out and because she is my daughter and not a sport super star or brainiac she isn’t viewed on the same level as others, making me not always open my eyes to the big picture in every situation and instead allow my Alter Ego Protective Mom Role consume all of me. Consume my common sense, my adknowlegement of others feelings, and most important lesson the repercussions of my actions and what damage it can do to my daughter and her future if I don’t learn not only how to control my issues but, how to deal with a daughter who is the exact opposite of myself. 


      In just a few years my daughter will be considered an adult. She will be expected to take on responsibilities that are foreign to her. She will be expected to deal an overwelming amount of “new” things and have to work through and solve all the life problems that we as adults don’t think twice about after it being our second nature after several years of experience. Obviously as a mom protecting our children is the most important point of our existence and letting my Alter Ego alter my conscious and morals I don’t honestly think what will benefit my daughter the best in the future. I think in the moment and without thinking react. Beneficial in some instances and huge mistake in more than I can count. 

      Knowledge of realizing the real meaning of protecting my daughter does not mean making pain go away or even defending her in certain situation and most important protecting my daughter doesn’t happen by involving myself in a situation. 

      My main focus should be in all situations not on how to defend my daughter or anyone else from the world but, to teach my daughter that life is not a Comic Strip and there won’t always be someone there to “save her.” And help her gain the strength to find what were once terifying awkward situations for her into something she doesn’t want to avoid or run and hide from. Something she herself independently knows how to  and not to react to while remaining confident and knowing her self worth. All of which I knew was important just obviously took the wrong path on too many trips. 

      I still don’t have all of the answers to raise my teenage daughter who not only is nothing like I was at her age, and different than myself in so many ways, but also in a whole different environment that opens a whole new ball game that I never even had to play. That being the cell phone & what lays within its power from social media to instant messaging. All a whole new field in which I don’t can’t relate to as a child or teen. 

      I also am in away looking at things with the knowledge that my daughter most likely has taken several other incidents to heart that most people don’t think twice about. That not making her bad or not normal just making her needs and struggles a little different than most because of her super sensitive perception and worry of what others think or view about her. Just making her road a little bumpier than most but, nothing we can not get past with guidence and support from the sidelines. I can’t play the game for her and expect her to learn anything or ever be able to expect her to know what move to make if I am not there to handle it. 

      Writing and reading are my therapy. When I am in an emotional place I put my thoughts onto paper or I read to try and educate my questions with answers. Psychology is a huge fascination to me. How the mind works and the differences when being a certain age or sex. Reading often similar experiences others dealt with , psychology studies & statistics, and basically psychology articles in general. Psychology and understanding the human mind in all different types of people as well as learning and obtaining facts to pair with my experiences to have the knowledge to not only help me in life situations but, also to help educate myself of ways I can help others, has been one of my fascinations which became more of an obsession after taking my first college Psycology class.

      I am for the most part a self educated idiot who from life experiences and reading Psychology books, but definitely educated to know that this is a constamt changing lesson and something one could never obtain everything there is to know and feel fully educated on. Our brains are constantly changing and evolving with the world around us making what we thought we knew and understood a whole different “playing field”, you could say. 

      I apologize to all who were victimized by my Alter Ego. For she knew what she allowed herself to know in each situation and from there made many mistakes. Those mistakes are being acknowledged and taken responsibility for and going to be used in the future before letting my Alter Ego do the speaking before evaluating and getting the facts in any situation.

      But, my biggest struggle and weakness is the lesson on my perception. 

      My perception is to blame for my past actions and which resulted in my reality. I could blame someone else all day for causing me to be a certain and claim had they not done this I would not have retailiated by doing this, but those adults still playing that game are mentally still children.

      My perception is what I needed to change to find peace within myself and those living around me.

      I want to make a difference and I want to stand for something.  I want my difference to make a change. I want my change to make our tomorrow better than our today!

      Unfortunately that may seem out of reach but, I can start somewhere and I can in all situations focus on keeping a positive perspective and know the difference between how to spread negative versus positive and how to intercept the negative and head back in the right direction while learning to remain positive no matter how hurt or upset something has made me or my loved ones. 

      Life is a struggle. We all share many of the same struggles and weaknesses and it is easy to forget that. As it is easy to forget others have feelings just like you and you can never make someone change or make someone respect your feelings but, you can change yourself and through your own actions show others what respecting others and being the best you can be even when you are feeling your worst, looks like. We are often best at not learning by others telling us but, by mimicking or living & experiencing issues ourselves. Some lessons are not teachable as they can not be learned by someone telling us, but only through making mistakes and owning those mistakes and not only taking accountability for them, and learning to find a different path to take in the future that won’t lead to that same outcome. This may take several different pathes and dead ends before obtaining the knowledge and reaching the path of self fulfillment and happiness and one of which u are proud of.

      I feel when knowing the lessons and knowledge obtained from each mistake you make you have no reason to ve ashamed or feel guilty of the past. If a millon mistakes make you who you want to be every mistake was a milestone and piece of the puzzle that was needed to put you together and become the person you are. 

      As all puzzles can seem complete as each piece is in its place, but there is always room for expansion. So never settle today that you are the best you can be because the best has no limits. The best know the harder you work at something the better you become. The more knowledge you obtain the better your skill can become when that said knowledge is put to use. 


      I have learned the hard way that my happiness comes from within and I am the only one who can find it. I also know that years of trying to make others happy even when my happiness was not of my best interest, and in the struggle of trying to make others happy, I always feel good in the moment when pleasing others but, after years of the same scenario and the same outcome and my happiness still on the back burner for the sake of others temporary happiness, I began to fill consumed with exhaustion and feelings of not being enough and thinking I am not capable of pleasing or making anyone happy. When in reality my struggle to make them happy was never something that was ever going to make an unhappy person turn into a happy person. One does not obtain that power. Happiness is a choice and someone else’s happiness has to be their choice. No matter what extent or measure taken no one can make a person happy that doesn’t want to be happy or doesn’t want to change their own perception & if you are blamed for someone else’s misery….I warn u now, RUN! Don’t get in any deeper because the escape only gets harder and the guilt only gets more painful. Don’t carry the weight and worry of someone else’s choice. Make your own happiness and make others change to be part of your life or if that is not possible distant yourself and only take small doses as you do not have to deal with anything you refuse to tolerate. You place your value on your expectations and you decide how people will treat you if they want to stay part of your life!!

      Learning new things expands us and makes us grow as people and no matter age or IQ, knowledge is priceless and you can never have too much and enough is not a measurement. Knowledge can not be measured!! 

      Thank you for reading one of my many personal exoeriences and how life challenges me daily to want to be a better person and those times I just want to give up and tell everyone to go fuck themselves I rest my mind and call it a day as for tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. 

      Never give up! Never settle for less than you expect. Be what u expect others to be! Ask questions that you don’t know the answers to. But, most of all find happiness within and know it will never be something others can provide you or you can provide others. It’s a path one must find on their own!!! 

      XoX

    1. .

Letter 

 Dear Mom, 

I am not asking for you to stay out of my life because of hate or any reason that has to do with you. And I’m not asking because that’s what I wanted. I am asking because I can’t take another day in this life. Nothing is normal or right about the things you say to me when I really need you. 

You have never been there for me. Not only was I alone when I had a problem or had fears but, you were always there to kick me while I was down and make me feel that much worse. I’m sure you don’t remeber or recall any or this and you probably think I do that to you and that makes me sad. But, fact of the matter I remember.

I remeber all the demonic and evil things you said to me and continue to say. They repeat like a broken record over and over and every time is pain. If things had ever changed, if you had ever changed the past I could’ve forgotten with the memories of love but, those kind of memories for me are very slim.

Tonight I’m upset about the hurtful and mean things grandpa said and mad at the kids for not listening and arguing in the car while I repeatly tell them to stop. I needed you by my side. To help not contradict!

You did exactly what you hate Grandpa to do. You tried taking them and acting as though I was being mean when u dint know what was going on. I’m teaching my kids to do what they are told or have consequences. When they leave home who will be there to rescue them if they get into trouble? 

Knowing how to except consequences for your own actions is a huge lesson.One you to this day, for sure have never learned, and I didn’t learn it to easy. That’s one, I also had to experience on my own. 

If you find what you are missing or is causing pain, I would help. Somehow I thought we could finally put the past in the past. But, I have my own family now and their happiness is the reason I breathe. Watching them achieve and work for their goals is what gets me through each day. The thoughts of one of them hurting like I hurt makes me sad.I hope that you understand and do what you need to do. Find your happiness that you blame not having on me so often. 

Its time I do what I need to do as well!! It’s time I stop the never ending battle of searching for ways to make you happy. I am miserable. I need to find my happiness now. All this time I thought my happiness would come by making you happy. Boy was I wrong. The only one I can change is ME. My happiness depends on ME!


💙What Could Have Been Your💙                    💋💙Best Friend 💙💋
PS- What you say and how you make others feel, says a lot about yourself! 


                  ■ Meth Facts ■
The short-term and long-term.          impact of the individual
When taken, meth and crystal meth create a false sense of well-being and energy, and so a person will tend to push his body faster and further than it is meant to go. Thus, drug users can experience a severe “crash” or physical and mental breakdown after the effects of the drugs wear off.
Because continued use of the drug decreases natural feelings of hunger, users can experience extreme weight loss. Negative effects can also include disturbed sleep patterns, hyperactivity, nausea, delusions of power, increased aggressiveness and irritability.
Other serious effects can include insomnia, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety and paranoia.1 In some cases, use can cause convulsions that lead to death.
Long-range damage
In the long term, meth use can cause irreversible harm: increased heart rate and blood pressure; damaged blood vessels in the brain that can cause strokes or an irregular heartbeat that can, in turn, cause cardiovascular collapse or death; and liver, kidney and lung damage.
Users may suffer brain damage, including memory loss and an increasing inability to grasp abstract thoughts. Those who recover are usually subject to long term memory loss. 

Life or Meth

Addicts Family Suffer Most

Drug addicts always have an excuse and a reason and someone to blame. Yes they are suffering but, their family suffers the most. Their family doesn’t have that drug to numb the pain and hide reality. One does not realize when they are so dependant upon a drug the emotional and mental stress they lay upon all those who care about them. They do not care to see their pain. All they are consumed with is how they feel and how the world has done them wrong!

When I was younger I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could get out of the house of hell. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember.  The memories are still here as if it was yesterday. The pain in my heart. The need of someone to love me and support me. Sitting in my bedroom as a young teenager staring out the window praying to God. Praying he would help. Begging him to help. Asking him why this demon had taken over my mother. I cried and I wrote and I wondered what I had done to deserve the life I had been given. I at times even wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted my heart to stop hurting. But, no matter how bad things got it never seemed to get better. The thoughts of killing myself were very frequent until I would see my baby brother and I would imagine him there all alone. He was the only thing that gave me a positive reason to exist. When things got real bad and I had cried until I had no more tears to cry I would run away. I would run to my boyfriends house, who now is my husband.  I depended on him to make me feel wanted. To make me forget what I was going to have to return to. I would get a taste of life where I wasn’t constantly being called names and mentally abused. As I look back now I believed in some part of me that it was my fault. That I caused the life I was given. I was made to believe that. She had to blame someone to justify her actions. Blaming me and manipulating me into actually believing I didn’t deserve any better must have cleared her conscious. Blaming everyone else for her addiction to meth was the easiest way for her not to have to face her own demons. To me the most selfish thing a mother, a role model, the one person  who is supposed to be your shield from all the evil and bad things in the world and the one person that no matter how bad things get will always be by your side to make you feel better, but in my world my mother was the devil and I lived in the house of hell. I couldn’t wait to grow up and move away. I felt so alone and lost. When I should have been thinking about my future and what I was going to do with my life I was busy worrying if my mom would get home so I didn’t have to hide in a locked bathroom sitting on the floor crying be cause I was scared of my step father and him being inappropriate because he was drunk. I can still remeber those nights like no time has passed. I can remeber the hate I felt towards my mom and the pain I felt wondering why she didn’t care. Why she left me to go hang out with drug addicts. As I would sit in the dark bathroom with my back against the locked door crying all I could think about is why my mom hated me so much and how I could make her love and care about me the way I did her. I would pray to God an ask him to please help her. I would beg he take the demon out of her. At times I would get angry at God. I didn’t understand why He wanted me to feel so much pain and be so alone. Those nights my prayers were more of demands. As I grew stronger that pain left. I just learned how to hide it even better.  That was one thing that was engraved in our heads when we were young that our business stayed our business. What happened at home we didn’t go cry to others about to get sympathy. I was made to believe I was only being a cry baby and a “pussy”. I had a journal I titled Life in the House of Hell. When I was upset that’s where I turned. 

I didn’t let anyone know how miserable I was and how sad I was. I was embarrassed. I knew in the back of my heart things weren’t right. I saw how my friends mothers treated them and I envied them. My friends were one of my escapes and one places I felt as though I fit in and could be myself and not have to worry about walking on eggshells so hiding my real life from them seemed best. I didn’t want to be treated different or judged. And most of all I didn’t want them to judge my mother. I was convinced that wasn’t my mother and she was possessed by a demon, and I kept telling myself that she was strong she was going to break free and she was going to take all of my pain away. That was my hope and dream. I would go to bed at night praying that when I woke up the next morning everything was going to be normal again. The way it was when I was younger and everyone was happy.

Years went by and things got worse. My mom wasn’t home much. Her happiness was that next hit on the pipe. It was like it took every bit of humanity out of her. She was truly a living demon who scared the hell out of me more than she made me feel safe. She wasn’t happy when she was home. When she came home it was when she was coming down and needed sleep. She usually slept in the living room on the couch with her purse close by. And in her purse is where her happiness awaited and waking her before she was ready was like a bomb exploding. Her first assumption is someone snooping through her purse to take her dope. I can remeber how much I feared her when this happened.  She would wake up and it’s like I could see the devil in her eyes. She was so angry and unhappy and only worried about one thing. Her meth. Her happiness. Her escape from reality. The minute she would sit up she would be screaming from the top of her lungs and calling whoever was near every name in the book, but it usually started with snoop dog. Everyone to her was a snoop dog and everyone was always assuming things about her when they didn’t actually know.  I knew then as well as I know now. Meth won. 

I’m now 35 and a mother of 4 and still have that hope my mom is going to come back. I still to this day never lost hope. She was always quick to apologize when she did wrong or got in trouble. Everytime she was locked up in jail it hurt me so much, but knowing she was safe and out of harms way kept me sane. Being in jail is actually the times I could talk to her. And she was actually human. I couldn’t wait for her to get home because I was  convinced that this was it!! My mom is back. She took control and meth isn’t going to get a hold of her again. She is too strong for that. Needless to say after 13 years the pattern has only repeat itself. She missed some of the most important things in my life and my brothers.  Things that we can’t get back. Things that only happen once in a lifetime. And why? Because of meth.

After all we have been through I have forgiven her because I keep thinking she has changed. I can’t get back all the years she has already dedicated to her meth addiction. So of course after the same pain and the same misery I couldn’t wait to get away from it just keeps haunting me. She still constantly puts me down and says things I wouldn’t say to someone I hated and definitely not to my children.  Her and her father, my Grandpa, have made me feel worse than anyone has ever made me feel my whole life.

I still pray and wonder why she is the way she is but, I don’t have the answer. My Grandpa used to be my Sunshine. He was my protector and one I looked up to. He always knew what to say to make me feel better. But, these last few years as his dementia clearly is taking more and more of him, along with aging and other health issues and being alone and his aggrevation of not being able to do all the things he has done for so many years, he gets mean. A man who would never let me hear him cuss now has no problems cussing me out and making me feel completley worthless. 

I  am so naive and vulnerable when my grandpa tears me down. I get that hope I had as a kid that my mom will be there to make me feel better. But, guess what everytime she tears me down even more then I already am. She makes the childhood pain flashback in my head. She calls me weak and a cry baby. I know it’s all just words and I shake it off, but the fact that I let her make me this miserable let and hurt this bad for this many years without giving up while, the whole time she accused me of not forgetting or forgiving her for the past. Which I had and I did over and over, but she never to this day has left the past in the past so it’s always here to haunt me and make me remeber. 

I have told her over and over I was done and I didn’t want her in my life. That too always mad me upset. I felt like I wasn’t giving her the chance I should when in reality I gave her more than I ever should at the expense of my own happiness and sanity.  But, today I hope is the end. I hope I am strong enough to not look back and to not care how she feels because the way I feel is a joke to her. I am a baby and “pussy” and God only knows I havs tried and I would do anything to have a mother. So I give up. I can’t take another day. I want to run away like I did as a kid and escape this hell. I always put my feelings to the back burner to try and make sure the ones I love don’t hurt. I try to be there and I try to be caring and show feelings of love to her but, it only leaves me miserable and upset and heartbroken. 

My happiness is important.  I am the one who allows myself to be treated as if I am not worthy of better and I am the only one that can change my happiness if others don’t have any respect for how I feel. I am not capable of being the BEST me I can be when I’m always upset and stressed. I snap at my kids and I’m on edge when I shouldn’t be because others don’t realize how much they have broke me down. When the ones breaking me down in return tell me I’m just weak and a cry baby. That hurts but, I allow it. So that is what makes me weak. I have been strong I have pretended and I have gave chances and I have wanted nothing but, a loving family. I have been too vulnerable and and still have been made to try and believe maybe it is me. But, it’s not. I am broke down and weak because of their weaknesses. I know I am strong and there is not many people who would have been able to endure the pain and suffering I have for as long as I have.

 What I thought was me not being selfish and me caring about my family was actually me being selfish of my own needs in hopes of change and in hopes of a normal family. While I’m hoping they just keep kicking me while I’m down. Acting as though I am just weak for not be able to handle it. No I’m weak for allowing it.  I’m weak for letting them use me to make themselves feel better. I’m just a door mat that has gotten walked over and over. What hasn’t killed me has only made me stronger. I have had to live to learn how addiction can almost be worse than death. I know my mom is alive, but who is has become is not the mother I remeber. She is a stranger that feeds and prays on others weaknesses and faults to make herself feel better. To her pointing out every mistake I make or all the bad things in me she is hiding the demon inside herself. Her manipulation and vindictivness is like a super power. She’s good at it and several are baited and hooked by her “other personality”. She knows how to get them a biting and bring them on in. And I don’t tell anyone any different. I don’t need anyone’s acceptance to feel self worth or to make me feel better. Being fake and putting on a show while putting others down to me is pathetic enough and I have secondhand embarrassment for her for being this way. So I allow her to eat it up while she can and I don’t care if I’m the “bad guy”. I don’t care what people think when what they are thinking is not based on facts and real life. It’s based on insecurity and lack or confidence which I have taught myself to have both after she stripped me from both. I feel that alone makes me strong and I pity her if in her head she really thinks things are that way. It’s sad and I don’t want anyone hurting the way I have hurt. I want to be different than the way she taught me to be. I don’t want to be that mean girls anymore.  The one who also brought herself up when bringing others down. Who got a big head and felt mighty when I made someone else hurt and feel less than. I was screaming for attention and self acceptance when I was younger. 

I can say the me today looks back at the high school me and says what a bitch the old me was. I had no care or worry in the world and not one person was going to tell me what to do or when to do it. I was disrespectful to all authority, now looking back I am embarrassed and ashamed. But, to me rules were meant to be broken and I was good at breaking them. I was so good at being bad and usually getting away with it and never faced many consequences for my actions. The rush being bad gave me and a feeling of empowerment, almosr like I was untouchable, those feelings kept my others away,  temporarily anyway. 

Now I see that was me screaming for someone to notice me, someone to lead me down the right path & carry me when I was too weak and couldn’t carry myself. I put on a show that I was a Bad Girl and all tough. But, inside I was screaming for attention, to be noticed and to just be loved. I was begging for guidance and support. But, I guess to those who find happiness in hurting others I guess that does seem weak. But, today I stopped caring what someone so heartless thinks and started caring what I think. 
My weakness was allowing you to stay in my life and expect my love and acceptance which I gave and more but, was blamed for not sticking up for and turning against. When in reality I never had a chance. The problem wasn’t with me and the lack of love I showed you the problem was the lack of love and confidence you have in yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad person and I’m not saying I’m better than you. I’m saying you really have some issues that you should get help with. Not for me or anyone else but, for yourself. Your own opinion and thoughts of yourself and issues you have never dealt with or things you are ashamed with about yourself and things you haven’t forgiven yourself or someone else for and that is holding you back and not allowing you to believe that others could have forgave you or that others care about you. So take this as I mean it from the bottom of my heart or let the demon think some crazy thoughts and everyone is just out to get you. And if you are as strong minded and smart as you like to believe you are than you would know that what I am about to say is what I mean and what I mean is what I say. I feel sorry for you that you haven’t allowed yourself to grow up and to see life from a different perspective. 

Guilty As Charged! FAKE!

They hide behind social media posts and seek attention through throwing pity parties. Always the victim. Always have some shit they don’t deserve on their plate.

I dont understand those people who cant stress enough how they hate drama. When it’s continuous for several months and then the months have turned to years and it is still the same story, it’s time to wake up! You do not have a fan club. Those so called haters who you are still claiming to be the cause of your drama are obviously only doing what you allow. Changing someone else is most likely never an option. So blaming others for causing drama non stop, while you allow them to be part of your life is not justifiable. It’s like blaming
Drama does not chose anyone. You chose who and what you will allow in your life.

Most of them say how they are ridding their lives from those wIt’s almost like a way of life for them. They speak as though they hate it, but their actions speak different. They want to be happy or say they want to be happy but, depend on those around them to fulfill that want. That’s impossible. You have to find happiness within yourself and take responsibility for your own decisions and actions and stop blaming those who love and care about you.

If yesterday you were not happy. If yesterday you were stressed about all of that so called drama. If this pattern has kept on for years, what does that mean??

Isn’t it time?? Time to wake up and stop pointing fingers and to stop dwelling on how bad your past was and what hell you have been through. Leave the past in the past and focus on TODAY. Wake up with a different attitude.  But, most of all change your perspective and outlook on how you feel and what your day will have to offer. There are so many things to be happy about that we all often take for granted. Most of all be thankful you woke up this morning! We never know when we are living our last day. We  jist never know! We are all dying, but some quicker than others. So start acting like each day is your last because it just might be. So why spend it unhappy when you can spend it loving those who love you instead of constant arguing and drama? That alone will make anyone happy.

All that energy that is being used to feed that said drama you can’t stand. Along with all of the energy used to post about your haters and their drama on Facebook , becomes only wasted time you will never get back. So much time wasted that you could be doing things that make you happy or things that you needed to get done! And if each day you do the same thing you did yesterday, maybe it’s time to CHANGE!

Stop living the way you did yesterday if you are that unhappy! Happiness is a choice, not a chance. It’s nobody’s choice but, your own if you stay on that same negative path with that same negative perspective you’re never going to see anything different!

Social Media Stars

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The unfollow button was the best thing they ever put on Facebook for all those annoying people who are filling up our newsfeed. There’s all types of them. Some might be family and others close friends. So deleting them would be harsh, but if you know if you scroll down to have to see another post from them biting your tongue will no longer work. Thats why Facebook invented that little unfollow button. With just one click you can unfollow those obnoxious friends and they wont even know! It’s a win win! Props for the unfollow option.

The next thing I am waiting for is a dislike button. Not having to make a comment but, being able to make a point could save many arguments.

We all have a few obnoxious friends who should win a Grammy for their social media performances, posts and role/character playing!

Facebook has brought lame, attention seeking people a place to be whoever they want to be or who they want people to believe they are. As some are just out to seek attention, others are constantly posting jealousy inducing posts, or there is those lonely ones who use Facebook to make themselves feel better by hurting others in the process. We can all name a few. And they all fall in the category of Social Media Star.

Are you guilty of being one? Looking back I can say I have done my fair share. But, its definitely not anything to be proud of. We are all guilty of being annoying on Facebook now and again but, some are just pure obnoxious and annoying with every post, to the point you have to unfollow them before you gauge your eyes out from seeing there bull shit. Would you fit in that category? Or do those that do fit in that category even acknowledge how transparent they really are??

If you don’t know if you drive others insane or if your posts are 90% of the screenshots passed around and laughed at by others than this is a great article for you!

If you have more than 1 of the following kinds of posts a week, chances are you are a Super Star to ALL your fellow facebook friends and most likely they share screen shots of your posts because they are too amusing not to get a good laugh out of. Some of you would call these your haters, and as good as that makes you feel to have a flock of haters, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they aren’t jealous or envious of you.

-First there is that friend who posts bible verses daily or simply just quoting someone else trying to inspire us all. But, the only thing you are inspiring many to do is hit the unfollow button. It is almost as though you are telling everyone that you are inspirational just because  you are you and that you have life figured out and want everyone to admire what a spiritual journey you are on.

What actually inspires people? Those who are achieving something incredible and letting it be an example and inspiration to others. Words alone, to be inspirational and taken seriously, you must be a gifted speaker or writer with something original to say and we all know that’s not most of our Facebook friends who quote the bible by day and sleep with the devil by night. Unfollowed!

-Second is that one friend, that when a major event occurs they always feel the need to tell “their opinion” and try to make an educated post saying hey I have an opinion, look at me, I am smart and can say adult like things. When in all reality it is something we have all heard over and over again, but they ALWAYS feel the need to state their opinion. educated opinion make this major and sometimes tragic event about themselves posting things we have heard over and over by the media so your opinion isn’t the least bit original and over all a waste of the newsfeed. You are getting unfollowed!

-Third there is the one who must clearly be confused that it is a Facebook status they are writing and not a text or email to a loved one or or to few close friends. Heres an example, Publicly announcing to several maybe 100’s of people via Facebook status, “thank you for supporting me and always being there for me. Without every single one of you there is no way I could have made it to where I am today. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.”

This post has a motive! I’m amazed that that many people have been there and helped you and you feel the need to pour that much love to all of them publicly. The post is you trying to act like you are sending love when in all reality you are seeking it. Your status gets several likes and comments sending love. Your motive worked. You got the love and attention you needed. Well played.

-Fourth the hard core attention seeker. Those are the ones who make a post, but only post enough to let you know something good or bad is happening in their life but don’t mention what or enough to let you know they are upset with something someone has done but, again leave out who or what has them upset. This leaves room for the questions. The part I like is watching how the poster will reply to each comment. There’s always that super star who keeps silent never revealing a thing, and just treating the commenters like their fans, then there is the one after being asked what they are talking about explains it all in the comments, showing they just wanted to be asked and because they needed that little bit of Facebook attention for the day. Then we have the oh my goodness it is so bad I can’t get into it or the one who gets mad and states that it is really no one’s business but, theirs. Got to love those people. Let’s make a public status and then proceed to tell commenters that it is actually none of their business. Well why the hell did you make it public? That was kind of an invitation to your so called business! Then last you have that super fun friend who likes to say how exciting the news is but, they can’t tell yet, but everyone will find out very soon. I bet we all won’t sleep tonight waiting for that exciting news! And weeks later when you them and ask what was so exciting that you had to wait to tell? They will answer with to be honest  so much is exciting right now I don’t even remember what that was about.

-Fifth we have the bragger. There is the relationship bragger. The one who has the best friends and couldn’t be in a happier place or the ones with the perfect boyfriend/perfect relationship and feel the need to express publicly how good he is to her or how happy and perfect they are together. If you feel the need to plaster your personal life and relationships all over Facebook there is plenty of acceptable less annoying ways to do so. Then there is the I’m bragging but, I want it to appear like I’m ranting. Today at work, I was asked out twice, then when I was outside sweeping and I was whistled at so many times I can’t count and a few yelled out nice boobs. Gosh I hate men and how they always stare at me and say such perverted things! Why are men such pigs?” A little bragging tied up with a rant. Then last but not least the, my life is better than yours brag. The I’m living the life post, either found the dream job, love their new apartment, or the original I am so happy and love life right now! I knew things were changing but, I am just realizing just how much. I don’t know how I am containing all my excitement.” So, you are just really excited about your life that you can’t help but to tell everyone, or the flipside you’re specifically hoping to make people jealous of your life and feel bad about their own. Either way most people will find you annoying.

-Then we have the ones who grow a super pair of balls behind the keyboard. They mouth everyone and are never happy. Constantly throwing people under the bus without actually naming that person, but when people ask who or what they private message them. What would we have ever done before Facebook and the ability to publicly call people out as we hide and don’t actually say names and just make a status like, “Your kid just picked on my kid for the last time. What are you going to do when he beats your kid’s ass?” Such statuses tend to piss a mama off when they hear about your cowardly Facebook call out that was obviously an attempt to receive attention and the need for others to bash that kid and encourage your ignorance. And to think it is the parents of our youth teaching our youth that we should not air our dirty landry on Facebook unless u want even more troubles while hiding behind a post. 89% of the time its the adults that bully and bash as they hide behind the computer. It’s the adults that are setting the amazing example to our youth that it is ok to Facebook bash if we don’t mention names and it’s ok to be a coward and not ever confront the problem face to face.

That is too simple when we can get all the fulfillment and attention needed from one hateful Facebook bash.  They are just saying this is the way to resolve our problems we have today. Our youth has no chance with such intelligent parents.

-Next we have the ones who are always sick or someone in their family is sick. They seek prayers, attention and love. Got to love the I am dying but, I clearly just to need to go rehab or counseling! Don’t try to trick people into believing you are sick when in reality you clearly have an addiction problem. There are always a few who can see through your glass house and notice all the stones you throw!

-Last but, not least we have the one who complains about everyone  bringing them down person. The one who constantly is posting memes that contradict everything you say. The one who is constantly having to rid the wrong people from their lives. The ones who have been through so much that no one else would ever understand. The one constantly throwing a pity party and always making everything about them. It’s always poor them. Well change your damn perspective and change your attitude and those things you continue to cry and whine about day in and day out might just change!

To not be one of these annoying Facebook friends your posts need to do something for the reader. Your post should entertain, enlighten or inform. If a post is in one of these categories you are sure to make your fellow Facebook friends feel good!

Elminate Fuck Boys & Live By Girl Code

Girl Code was our repsect we had for each other and others. What we knew without ever having to be told becsuse it was a way of life. It was just known. We treared our girls how we wanted them to treat us. We chose chicks before we chose dicks!!

It Was a Way of Life! The Unspoken Rules Females are Expected to Follow.-
GIRL CODES #1-13 (More to come.)

Girl code is a way of life. It’s a set of unspoken rules that all females are expected to follow. So if you are unsure of some of these unspoken rules this handbook will get you up to date!

Girl code shows women how to have respect and show kindness to one another. Everybody makes a few mistakes but, if one chooses to be a constant code breaker, one will slowly lose all girlfriends and eventually be eliminated from all girls who know you as you become the enemy. These codes will help build your friendships and make them stronger and all it takes is kindness and respect of fellow girls!

It has been questioned if the Girl Code even really exists! Well DUH! It’s a way of life and all hell breaks loose without it. If you want to have REAL friendships with other REAL girls there is no question that you MUST follow the Code. Treat your girls how you want to be treated!

This is a handbook has some of what we thought were the most important Girl Codes that one must follow to build long lasting bonds and have people around you that you can trust and count on. So when in doubt check it out! Don’t get caught breaking the Girl Code!

Girls need to stick together and know their worth! Stop making other girls feel less about their selves to make you feel better about yourself! A strong woman knows who she is and doesn’t envy or judge every girl that looks like a threat! It’s all about GIRL POWER!!!

Breaking any of the codes will result in consequences and most likely lots of girl drama that easily could have been prevented. Codes are in no particular order and are all just as important as the next to be a good friend!

WARNING:
Don’t be one of those basic bitches who have no respect for other girls, who constantly stab other girls in the back and worst of all choose dicks before chicks!! Don’t be one of those chicks who can’t be trusted and is hated by all. So don’t let these game playing boys make you fight! They find personal pleasure from it and learn how to work us all. So don’t let one come between your friendships! A strong, rock hard friendship can last a life time but, chances are that dicks going limp! But, who needs those players when girls have each other! Don’t play his game! Girls stick together and leave him lonely instead of playing you all and making you hate each other! There will be plenty more guys in your future! And plenty who won’t try to bang your whole circle of friends as he takes his pick and plays his game. Tell him girls, GAME OVER! WE WIN! GIRLS RUN THE WORLD!

CODE #1 Ex Boyfriends (aka MOST IMPORTANT RULE)
No girl may date her friend’s; exs, past crushes, guys who have used or publicly humiliated her, made her cry or is currently her obsessesion…Exceptions: Your friend could care less and you know this because of conversations you have had or that friend grants you permission. (In which no girl should ever ask for if this said boy falls into the category of making her cry, she loved him, current obsession, or they dated over 6 months.) Forget it! He’s not worth it and he is OFF LIMITS!

CODE #2 The Boyfriend is Not Your Friend or Buddy
No girl is to ever hang out with, text, or call the boyfriend of a friend without that friend present. That is all fine the two of you were just the best of friends before they started dating but, now they’re dating so it is time to keep your space. Not that you can’t be friends but, include your friend. Don’t leave her in the dark. No flirting with your friend’s man. Not only is it disrespectful but, also very annoying to be around. It will only distance your friendship.

Exceptions: If permission is granted from that friend there should be at least 3 other people with you when hanging out. Any texting or calling without that friend knowing will only cause trust issues and questions between the 3.

CODE #3 Find Your Own Style
No girl shall purchase an outfit or particular item of clothing which she is fully aware that her friend owns.

Exceptions: Your friend is cool with you jacking her style and it was discussed before you purchased it then it shouldn’t be an issue. But, if your friend gets this fresh new look that was sort of her own and you come to school the next day with that look, you can expect all shit to hit the fan!

CODE #4 Chicks Before Dicks
Just because you are dating and madly in love that doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking second with him. Make time for your friends! You have your whole life to get settled down and spend all your time with a man. No need to play house in high school because the real thing will be here before you know it and by that time you won’t have time for friends.

High School isn’t about dating or even finding that life partner. It is about finding yourself and learning who you are and what makes you happy! Real happiness isn’t something other people can give us, so study hard, hang out with all your friends and make memories that will last a lifetime! High School is your time to prep for your future and decide what and where you will go with your life. Boys are more trouble and work than they are worth. So stir clear of all those mind altering boys that just get you in trouble, break your heart or all together waste your time!

CODE #5 Girls Night Out
Is exactly what it says. GIRL’s night out! No girl wants to be that annoying friend with the obsessive boyfriend that doesn’t ever want to let her hang out with her friends. If you can’t make one night to just the girls and he is begging to tag along; don’t even ask the girls! Save the humiliation and stay at home with his controlling ass! Even if they tell you that they don’t mind if he joins; they TOTALLY mind!

CODE #6 Whore Status
Sleeping with more than one guy in a night, sleeping with more than 5 guys in a week, being known for messing around with guys that are in a relationship or constantly cheating on your boyfriend can all earn you the Whore Status. Girls don’t want to be friends with that girl that has slept with every available guy in school. Keep it classy girls. Don’t be everybody’s booty call. You deserve better, but you won’t get it making bad decisions like spreading your legs for anyone that asks!

CODE #7 The New Friend
If you or another friend have previously got with or dated your new friend’s man. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER is it okay to speak about or tell stories about that said boy from your past, good or bad. This however can be broken once the said friend has broken up with the guy. In this situation you can now bitch about said guy and share your experiences for the greater good of you both!

CODE #8 Cock-Blocking
Cock-Blocking is never okay when it is for you happiness over your friends. The only time you are morally obligated to stop your drunken friend from getting with a guy is when you KNOW she will greatly regret in the morning. (With her under the influence this requires use of proper judgement from her girlfriend because what sounds fun tonight won’t always be as fun to wake up to in the morning.) In this case ‘cock-blocking’ is acceptable no matter what the stupid man code says. Girls run this mother!

CODE #9 Friends Don’t Let Friends Look Bad on Facebook
The next morning after a crazy night hanging with the girls, you get on Facebook to find your friend had posted several pictures from that said night. The proof that confirmed how intoxicated you and most of the other girls in the picture were. Only half way sober one is the selfie queen herself who was snapping all of the pictures and to her advantage and hers only. All of us who were clearly not aware of her snapping pics looked like we were straining to take a poop, had mouth wide open for no particular reason and eyes closed, and just flat out all around awkward looking. These were by far some of the worst pictures most of us had ever been captured in. Yet the self-absorbed selfie queen got all the angles right and all the right poses to make herself look basically like a beauty queen when compared to the rest of us and she can’t lie and say she didn’t realize how terrible the rest of the group looked with captions like, “best night ever with my girls”, or “clearly not as trashed as these bitches, still looking hot as ever.” And when you ask her to delete them all she can say is, “seriously, they aren’t that bad.” This is the friend that gets left at home next time to be self-absorbed and take selfies all night alone, with captions like, “So bored.” “No one to hang with.” “No real friends.” Or other attention seeking statuses.

CODE #10 Secrets Don’t Make Friends
Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable for two girls to whisper to one another in the presence of other girls. They are automatically assuming it is them you whispering about or wondering why they aren’t special enough to get in on whatever top secret info you feel the need to whisper about. This causes a huge tension with girls and makes people feel out of place and uncomfortable and most likely that is what the one whispering was trying to do. If you are out with a group of girls or around a group of girls, and you aren’t comfortable telling everyone what you wanted to tell your closest friend, just save it for another time.

CODE #11 Come as a Group, Leave as a Group
Leave with the same group of friends you arrived to the party of function with unless a mutual agreement has been made prior to the event. Never leave anyone behind and always look out for one another and have each other’s backs.

CODE #12 Hot Dad Obsession
Flirting with your friend’s dad is never acceptable, no matter how hot you think he is. And no your friend doesn’t want to hear about your thoughts on his hotness either. (CREEP) If he can be her dad than he can probably be yours! (Ew) This is one thing you are definitely safer keeping to yourself.

CODE #13 How to Dress
If your skirt is short enough for the pockets to come out of the bottom, other females have the given right to label you as a dick tease. However if you’re ok with the label please do wear whatever you would like. We need someone take pics of and send to each other and talk shit on. Expect it. If you have the confidence to let everything hang out for all to see than you should have the confidence to deal with the other females and their expected trash talking.

Hope you enjoyed reading codes #1-13! More Girl Codes to come! Do you have a Girl Code that you didn’t see posted and want to see on my next list? If so leave me a comment and we will work it in!

Thank u for all who took the time to read and pass it around to all your girls! The Girl Code is REAL and REAL girls follow it!

The Journey

journet

As the years go by and we all ride on this crazy roller coaster called LIFE we learn things about ourselves and about other people. So far I feel like I have learned a lot from those around me as well as a lot about how I should react to and treat the people in my life vs how I actually do react and how I let other people’s negativity run my life.

That’s right I said it. I let their negativity consume me. I not only have extremely negative people in my life but, I also let those people’s negativity basically run my life. I become it. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want this version of me to exist. I want her extinct.

I felt like I wanted to say the past few years of my life I have learned so much but, that is just ridiculous. Each mistake is a lesson. Each lesson teaches me things that prepared me for where i am now.

So I said I admit that and I am not happy with the person I have become. How I don’t know exactly how to change how to ignore the negativity and most of all i don’t know how to ignore the negativity and stay positive. I don’t know how not to let someone who always puts me down, who always criticizes me, and makes me feel worthless and stupid in front of our employees (my family owns not just one headache aka restaurant but, basically 2.)

Lets just start at the very beginning so we can see how many people can relate or maybe how i can change my perception and not let negativity consume me before it’s the only memory people have of me and this is not me! I don’t even know who it is or how long she’s been here, but I do know that I am full aware now and I’m evicting Miss Negativity as we speak. As I remove her I have to know how she got here. I have to be able to own up to the fact that negativity is just as contagious as laughter and the fact that I am this weak-minded that I am going to let other people’s small-minded negativity rent a space in my head and even worse I don’t even know how long this part of me had existed. Negativity is basically my fondest memories I have from age 11 to present. Which is 23 years of negativity with a fucked up perception.

Sure people’s attitudes that we are around rub off on us time to time. It’s human nature. It is completely normal to start acting like the ones you are around the most. You know like when u are in high school and u hang out with the same friend for a week straight and come home and your mom tells you that you are acting exactly like that friend that u just spent the week with. When I was younger I can remember my mom saying that on numerous occasions. That makes me believe I was once very weak-minded. But, I believe after all this training my mind keeps getting stronger and stronger and today it’s safe to say I am not a follower and that I have a mind of my own and plenty of my own thoughts, and opinions. When I was in high school I kind of just went with the flow. I liked whatever the people around me liked even if I didn’t really like it. Does that make sense? Yeah I know right pathetic. Totally it is or was. Wad and still is! If there was clothing that “everyone” was wearing that is what I had to have. I was one of those, what is it they call them these days…basic bitches? Yeah that sounds right. I was one of them basic bitches. I never really found myself when I was young I just did whatever the ones I hung out with did. Now that I look back it’s like that’s really what I thought I was supposed to do to fit in. Who the fuck taught me that. Or maybe the question is who the fuck didn’t teach me to have a mind of my own and to like the things because I like them not just because I want to be accepted and fit in. Still wondering years later Who the fuck didn’t teach me to have my own thoughts and beliefs and basically to find my own style not just be “normal” because if not I don’t know what other people will think. Like I basically was just like all of the other basic bitches until about 8th grade. That’s when I took my first wrong turn and headed off the path. Decision making skills was not in my vocabulary. I didn’t think about the consequences to my actions nor did I care. I liked the idea of breaking the rules and the rush of not getting caught. My thoughts were fuck the rules they were made to be broken. Fuck everyone. Fuck school. Fuck anything organized with authority. I was a disrespectful, thinking I knew everything who didn’t know shit teenager. My future was not even in my thoughts. I wanted to drop out of school and all my mom did was basically tell me what an idiot I am and how she was my boss and a bunch of other bull shit to piss me off real good making me want to quit school even more. I can’t remember one time my mom sitting down with me and actually asking me if I was taking my life seriously or I guess I don’t remember her ever giving me any guidance or motivation. Finally after she was fired from the bus barn it seemed to me like she got depressed and very addicted to meth. She got involved with some bad people and got caught up driving the get a way car for their bank robbery amongst other crazy stuff.
I felt more like I was just an obstacle in her way of doing what she really wanted and that was to spend time with me that was to go get that next hit that next high. Her next escape from reality and clearly her unhappiness. Meth had taken her mind and soul. It got a hold of her and that’s when my life slowly started falling apart. Things were like they had never been before. Basically no stability what so ever and had no idea what the next day might bring.

I often begged God to just take me away to just make me stop suffering already. I felt like I lived in a true hell and my mother was the Devil. The ruler. The evil one. I felt empty and confused, very alone. I felt like I wasn’t like all my friends who’s mom’s and dad’s were still married and who went out and did stuff together. I did my best to hide and keep to my journal and my journal only about how my home life was. How scared I was about my mom and her addiction and how I didn’t understand why God wasn’t answering my prayers and why he wouldn’t bring my mom back. This lady who looks like my mom was a cold-hearted , evil, scary down right negative self-absorbed monster. She could go from happy normal mom to crazy devil mom in a matter of seconds. And the fun part, u could be anywhere, anytime with anybody around.

The crazier my mom got the farther I strayed from all my friends. To me they all had the perfect life. I envied them. I thought for sure God was punishing me because he wouldn’t let me have what they all had. Being that I felt so ashamed of how my mom was and how she treated me I didn’t want anyone to know how bad my home life was. Those that knew me well, knew my mom and I argued but that’s about all. They didn’t know just how crazy shit got and I didn’t want them to. I was ashamed and embarrassed about my fucked up family. And I have been for most of my life. I may still be. I don’t know for sure. I would like to say I’m not ashamed. Addiction is a disease just like any other disease, needs treated . f a person doesn’t want to stop they are not curable.

I met Mike when I was 14. He became my get away. My escape from reality. He didn’t have the normal perfect mom and dad still I perfect home life so I felt like I didn’t have so much to hide with him and I could talk to him about some of my family struggles but, never did I ever open up to anyone about how depressed and worthless I felt when I was in that house. The thought of it and ever having to relive that time give me anxiety. Any part of my past and thinking back to how I felt and how lost I was makes my heart race and a sick feeling in my stomach. Last few years I lived at home she was gone more than she was home

Continue reading “The Journey”

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